It was quite a strange visit, I'd say. Read on to find out more.

Dan called me up late last night & said with the release of Tim Burton’s ‘Alice in Wonderland’, I needed to do a perspective piece on the man & his cinematic works through the ages. Even though having worked like a dog all day, I was but a slave to my editor’s commands so with much trepidation I pulled out some of Tim Burton’s previous work to revisit it in wonder, and do not remember when was it, that the darkness took me over & lead me to a wonderland of surreal beauty.

When I awoke I was lying outside the gates of a large estate, but this did not look like any wealthy man’s estate I’d seen or read about, if anything it reminded me of something from a Tim Burton movie. The gate was huge & imposing but decidedly gothic in nature & as I approached it I heard the loud neigh of a horse, an almost unearthly sound. I had barely peered through the gate to locate the source of that sound did the blood freeze in my veins, a horse straight from the depths of hell was galloping towards me & it’s rider was headless. As he raised his sword to strike me down a loud scream from somewhere to the right of him seemed to stop him dead in his tracks. I looked around and was surprised to see a head stuck in the wall next to gate telling the horseman to shoo off & then it turned to me & said, “I apologize for my unruly body, seems to have lost his head!”, it was Christopher Walken! I was dumbstruck & could only in half a breath mumble, “thanks”. He said “You must be here for the tea party, go on then, they are all waiting for you inside.” He proceeded to laugh in a maddeningly sinister manner while the gates opened & in the distance dark clouds gathered & thunder & lighting tangoed.

As I walked through the gardens leading up to the very quaint looking mansion keeping to the gothic theme of the estate, I could not help but notice the wonderful hedge sculptures & bang in the middle of it all was an ice sculpture of a young girl dancing & oddly it was the only place over which it was snowing.     

I reached the mansion & searched the door for a bell but couldn’t find one & on knocking, the door yelped like a hurt puppy. Taken aback I did not knock again but the door opened and I couldn’t see anyone until I felt someone tugging at the hem of my skirt. I looked down and jumped back in surprise it was an Oopma-Loompa who gestured me to follow him into the house. Again wondering where the hell was I? I followed him inside where another Oompa-Loompa came rushing to take my coat. I stood in the black and white tiled hall in awe of the little orange man who didn’t say a word to me, he just ran off with my coat.

Seconds later a door opened from one side of the hall & voila! Helena Bonham Carter dashed to embrace me in her arms!!! ‘’Hello!’’ she screamed & before I could utter a single word, she had already dragged me to the her drawing room & as I looked around I saw a picture of her standing with a man that curiously looked like Nicholas Cage but only with an even weirder wig & older features. Seconds later the very same man peeped in like a shy teenager & said “Greetings”. I was about to say “Hello Nic” when Helena screamed ‘’Do come in, come this way, come this side, I’ve made cakes and blackberry wine & Tim you have to get Alfred to discipline those Oompa-Loompas they keep on singing those horrid songs which make me want to put a curse on them”. That’s when it hit me like a freight train that I was standing in the house of Tim Burton & was to be a guest at his tea party.

Tim squeaked in protest ‘’No Nell the party is on my side of the house, why do you always do this, you know the party is on this side’’.

Helena stopped in her tracks, turned me around and steered me through into Tim’s side of the house, which seemed much darker and it took my eyes a few seconds to adjust. But once adjusted what things I saw! I was led down an uphill corridor and turned left into a drawing room which had striped wallpaper from floor to ceiling and a huge walk-in fireplace. Above the fireplace hung a huge painting of what looked like a group of people playing hockey, however on closer inspection I realized it was a group of vampires playing ice hockey on a frozen lake using Burton’s head as the puck.  

‘’Just out here dear’’ Helena chirped, breaking me out of a trance like state achieved by the truly weird painting, ‘’some of the guests have arrived before you’’.

As I turned to leave I saw Tim standing behind me in a pensive manner staring at the painting & then turned to me & said, “If only I could have added that to ‘A Nightmare before Christmas’.” He sighed heavily & walked away.

We exited the drawing room through black painted French doors and were out into the garden. There on a luscious green lawn was a huge oval shaped table, covered in pristine white linen but I couldn’t see any tea or confectionaries. All around the garden Oompa-Loompas stood to attention holding large silver platters with nothing on them, and even though it was daylight there were huge fiberglass alien shaped lamps glowing hither thither. Around the table I could see a few guests were seated already. I took my place at the table, on my right was Christopher Lee and I could see from the name plate that the person on my left was going to be Edward Scissorhands.

Tim ran, and with a hop, skip and jump landed into his big giant chair at the head of the table. ‘’I took this chair from the set of ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’’ he declared, ‘’I am very emotionally attached to this chair so please no one else sit on it’’.

‘’You’re right’’ replied Christopher Lee, ‘’you can’t be too careful these days. I once let Michelle Pfeiffer sit in my favorite chair and it was never the same again’’.

Everyone just stared at him wondering what he had meant & Tim suddenly clapped his hands which obviously was some kind of signal for the Oompa-Loompas to swing into action. Quickly a large metallic monstrosity had been brought near the table & a small conveyer belt pulled out of it which directly stopped over the edge of the table. Just as my attention was taken up by this queer machine, I felt a tap on my right shoulder & turned in the direction unable to see anyone only to jump with startle when I heard a quiet “hello” on my left side.  

It was a beaming Johnny Depp dressed in a fabulous grey three piece suit but his hair was a huge mass of dreadlocks. Depp apologized saying ‘’I hope I didn’t startle you, I know it’s my hair but what can I do; see I just love this hair, it’s so handy, you can keep an array of items tucked safely inside and no one is any the wiser”. I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out, just smiled back sheepishly at him.

Beside him slumped in a wheelchair and already asleep was, I was told Michael Keaton, I didn’t recognize him as he had an old grubby bat suit on and one couldn’t see his face. Thrown in front of him on the table were a set of keys with a bat key ring. Tim shouted down to me, “Take no notice of that old fool, he always leaves the keys of the Batmobile lying around trying to impress girls, but the poor guy can’t even drive it anymore. I keep telling him I’m not going to make another Bat movie and even if I did I wouldn’t cast him. Poor blither”.

Just then “It’s not unusual” by Tom Jones started playing & Tim leaned over to one of the Oompa-Loompas and told him “Tell Danny I’m sick of hearing that song in nearly every movie of mine. Tell Danny to play something else to darken the mood a little, maybe some Oingo-Boingo should do”. He then turned to me & said “Danny Elfman’s always around, I can’t get rid of the guy, he’s practically like my shadow.”

Helena all this while was screaming at the Oompa-Loompas to stand up straight and get the “infernal” machine to work. “Where is Edward, he’s always late, probably still sobbing over Michael Jackson, he really needs to get a hold of himself’’. “Ooh there’s the door now, that’s probably him, well don’t just stand these Loompas, what am I paying you for!”

“So Johnny”, squeaks Tim, “I wouldn’t know a good script if it bit me in the face but I’ve got some ideas for another movie up my sleeve, I’ve been sketching it out, basically it’s based on a worm whose job it is to eat dead bodies, family tradition and all that but he’s not quite satisfied, wants to spread his wings as such & become a lion-tamer in a travelling circus, do you think you can play a worm?”

“Oh sure I do worms, Tim”, replied Depp, “will I be a skinny or fat worm; probably fat with all those dead bodies I’m eating. Why not maggots Tim, they eat dead bodies don’t they?”

“Yeah actually you’re right, Maggots, Jeez why didn’t I think of that, ok Maggots it is, you’ll be a big fat juicy maggot by the name of Cyril Vermis”.

“Bats eat maggots’’, came a voice from nowhere. Oh it was Michael Keaton who had been listening all along.

“No Michael!’’, squawked Tim leaning back and kicking the table in a tantrum. “I’m not having this conversation AGAIN!’’.  

Thankfully they were distracted by some commotion over by the French doors. It was Edward Scissorhands who was being led with some difficulty through the house by three Oompa-Loompas.

“Watch the curtains!” Helena shouted, “Edward really, you’re a walking disaster and late again as usual”.

“Oh I am sorry Helena”, sobbed Edward, “I’m a real klutz, I wasn’t going to come, save all of you the trouble but I just had to get out of the house”.

“No I’m sorry Edward”, said Helena in a much calmer voice, “You know we love you and love your company, come sit here”.

Suddenly a gong sounded and standing in front of us was Butler Alfred Thaddeus Crane Pennyworth. He said in his best voice, “I would like to announce that all guests have arrived Ma’am and that tea shall be served promptly”.

“Good”, said Helena, “I’m starving, grab the cakes everyone, and grab what you can, quickly!”

With a sputtering start & a large puff of smoke the machine close to the table sprang to life & little cups filled with tea started to come out on the conveyer belt & when they reached the table the edges of the table started to moves sideways passing the cups around to everyone. Soon enough cakes & then pies appeared.  

“Cut the Blackforest cake Edward and fling it this way & don’t slice it too thin & please tell me your blades aren’t rusted” said Depp, “I’m not letting Tim have all of it like last time”. Watching Edward struggle & being nearly on the verge of tears again, Depp said “You could just use my blades; I’ve long since retired from Fleet Street.”

“Now about this movie idea of yours Tim”, said Helena, “I really think you might be going through a midlife crisis. I mean, nobody wants to watch a movie about a maggot, especially one named Cyril Vermis. I say have a little rethink, how about a new ‘Planet of the Apes’ thingy? Your theme could be about you often repeated dilemma “You don't know whether chimps are going to kill you or kiss you. They're very open on some levels and much more evil in a certain way.”  You could even cast our new friend here in the star role, I bet you’d like that wouldn’t you?’ she said giving me an almost ‘Grinch’ like smile.

I didn’t know whether to smile or cry. Does she think I look like a chimp?

“Listen why don’t I just cave into all of you”, said Tim whose face was bright red and his voice was getting louder and louder. “I’ll just forget about my amazing talent and genius and I’ll make a movie about an OLD BAT who is attacked by a group of CHIMPS, for which our NEW guest can star. The old bat is rushed to hospital in a critical condition but unfortunately the surgeon assigned to him is a little CLUMPSY BECAUSE HE HAS SCISSORS FOR HANDS AND THE POOR OLD BAT DIES AND GETS EATEN BY A MAGGOT NAMED CYRIL VERMIS!!!

“How about that, does that please everybody,” he puffed and fell back in his chair. “Johnny you can have time off on this one and oh yes Christopher can do the voice over, OK!’’.

Edward’s eyes lit up at the idea of some work, “Why yes that’s sounds wonderful Tim”, he said, not grasping the notion of sarcasm.

Tim got up and stormed off, bursting into tears as he ran across the lawn.

“Oh well, sorry about that, he sometimes comes up with ideas that would even make Ed Wood blush.” said Helena, “Alfred I think it’s time to fetch the blackberry wine”.

But that was the end of my dreamy adventure as I suddenly awoke to the sound of my Cheshire cat purring.

- Imagined & Created by Catherine Grant & Danish Bagdadi